Stress Overload

"In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and energy into something productive." - Lee Iacocca

Who has ever needed to save themselves from suffocating in their emotions? I'm pretty sure everyone has at some point in their life. Unless you're some emotionless man then I might need to interview you for a story of mine.

Okay, this feels like another touchy-feely post. Where are you going with this?

Sigh. Well, I've had a lot on my mind this past week and to be honest, it is sent me into a depression.  It's nothing work or writing related but more personal. Lately, I've been forced to think about some painful things in my past. I have been dealing with some stressful things in my present. I'm worried about things in the future. Ug, things! I somehow managed to stress myself out over the course of twenty-four hours. It's difficult because I can talk to one or two people about it, but those I really need to talk to one of two things happen. One, they don't want to listen. Two, I open my mouth and I choke. So all my thoughts end up stuck in my head, bouncing around without answers. With my overactive mind, I have to find a way to clear my head. Lord knows that a few bottles of beer would help me talk, but I don't want to be that person.

Should I even ask?

I'm not sure. How do you feel when you're depressed? I get lethargic, mopey, sleepy, can't sleep, and in the middle of the night, I'll be typing scenes that aren't exactly on the happy side of the scale. I'm knee deep in that now. I need tea....

Continue to tie it into writing cause, you know, that’s what you do.

Okay, then let's try this, a couple days ago, I caught myself trying to hide in bed under my covers (as if sleeping until 1pm wasn't a clue). Then the following day, similar situation: slept as late as possible, rolled over and turned on the tv, cats jumped on the bed to make my leg a pillow, then I told myself to do laundry and grabbed my laptop. The story I chose to work on was a borderline writer's block situation so I added a chapter to fill in a time jump and that helped take my mind off things.

Back to writing then.

When I discovered writing, I was in a depressed state. I used it to express myself and sort out my thoughts. I'll not go into it since this post goes a bit more in-depth about why I write. Still, the point is the same, it helps. I still have a ton of unanswered questions but the deluge of emotions I've been experiencing (frustration, anger, uselessness, failure, fear, etc.) have lessened some. The walking on eggshells feeling is back, but what else can I do?

Any ideas?

Actually, yes, I have an idea. I opened up my original story, the first one I ever wrote, read a chapter that I had written when I was in pain. While I can't remember why I was upset, I can still feel the emotion. It angers me that I felt this horrible in the past. It angers me now that I am feeling it creep back. It makes me happy because my best writing is done when I am emotional. It's complicated, very. And I hate it. Though, while reading that story, my editing side emerged. It was written in a different style than what I favor now (third-person vs. first), there are times where it is difficult to understand who is speaking, there are grammar errors. *fingers twitch* I must edit. Still have not done so because once I do, I'll be on it for at least a week.

And that's a bad thing?

Yes and no. I'll have no life because I'll sequester myself under my rock. I'll be semi-productive, writing-wise. I'll lose sleep. I'll dive into a fantasy world. I'll become anti-social. I'll forget to eat, change clothes, and shower. I'll leave it to you to decide which is good and which is not.

Doesn't seem so bad. Hiding under rock sounds quite nice.

Of course, you'd enjoy it.

That a problem?  *smiles*

*rolls eyes* Not at all.  Alrighty then. If I were to listen to you, I would write, right?

Duh.

Why?

You're asking me a question? Quit trying to do a role-reversal! That's just laziness on your part.

It's just a question.

*grumble* Fine, but you might not like my answer.

Why?

Because you already answered it yourself. See? 

"The point, however, remains the same: that I write to escape the stranglehold that my emotions trapped me within. Writing, focusing my energy on something productive, cleared my head. I was able to think and address my problems through a different point-of-view other than my own."  Emotions Turned into Fuel, 8-17-2017

It's the same link you added earlier in this post. Even you recognize that you need this.

You have a valid point…. And you're right, I don't like your answer. Mostly because it tells me that I'm stuck in a circular rut. Geez, if you had said that writing meant I would get red bean buns then I would have been all over it without a second thought.

Okay. You'll get red bean buns.

Smartass.

*smirk*

Folks, this is what happens when I lose to my inner voice.

But it has a point. The answer to settling my thoughts has been writing. Since college, it has always been writing. Writing has helped me through my worst lows. When I'm enjoying life, I'm out taking in what I can and writing kinda slips to the side. I'll try to edit, but my creative side falls asleep. This is just the swift kick in the ass I needed!

Good. Go grab your headphones.

I'm already wearing them. You know that. I think what you mean is "go open a story and get crackin’!" I have a few different stories that want attention so I might as well use my stress-induced energy productively.

I'm wondering, though, if you don't mind me asking, what do you do to relieve stress? Any tips or tricks you're willing to share?

Frustration and Sparks

Wow, I just realized how far behind I am on posting. So much for once a week…. A lot has happened over the past few weeks that I got side tracked. First, Hurricane Harvey. Second, helping my community. Third, life in general. Fourth, husband's birthday (yay)! Fifth, my own personal hell. Sixth, health issues (not mine). Seventh, went on a trip. Wow, I suddenly feel super busy now that I've listed some of the things out. Happily, hell is gone! Yay! Which is both a good and bad thing because it means some quiet, finally, but she always returns. Dun, dun, duuuunnnn!

Hell?

Let me clarify first. My personal hell takes the form of a now twenty-year-old girl. Not my child, not related to me, not family, just a poor child that we have helped over the past few years. Because of her, my life has been a roller coaster. As if my own issues weren't enough, she came in like a wrecking ball. It is hard to look at someone that has problems like hers and not want to help. Her life is difficult, challenging, unfair, and stressful, but if she embraced the opportunity, she could escape that horrible life. We offered that opportunity. It's been years since I met her, some days she would be good, others, incredibly frustrating. This past month, a whirlwind isn't sufficient enough description. It was exhausting. I could say more, but I feel like I shouldn't. Let's just say that it takes a lot to piss me off and she hit that point and beyond.

I think you're venting….

Sigh. I am and I apologize. Thanks for stopping me. I'm pretty sure I can go on for hours about the misery this child brings, but I won't subject you to that torture. However, on the bright side, she is a wealth on inspiration. In my Lost Gun series, one girl is inspired by her (though I will never give this child the satisfaction of know that). Of course, the character has a questionable history but she takes the opportunities handed to her to improve in life.

What else have you been up to since, you know, you abandoned us.

I did not abandon you! It has been busy and my internet isn't exactly the best.

Uh huh, right. Then why did you go on a trip?

Okay, it was only for a few days. My sister, let's call her K, had a horse show in Ohio and I was able to go! What? It's Ohio, my home away from home, of course I’m gonna go if I’m invited! The air is cleaner, the leaves were changing colors, the weather was wonderfully cool, I was in heaven. I missed Ohio. It was exactly what I needed to help clear my head. As for why I went, my sister did well. Her horses were amazing, as always. Not to brag, but I have a pretty kickass sister. If you saw K ride, you would understand. She has this funny talent of taking a horse and turning them into a champion. I still remember the little white pony when we were younger. K took that pony and made her a national champion. And that is only one of K's superpowers.

What else?

Well, my husband's birthday was near the end of September. I had a blast planning stuff for him! Failed for a couple surprises because somebody kept taking the initiative and jumping too far ahead. Not kidding! I had to ask K about using her apartment for grilling and on my way to lunch with her, she calls saying my husband was asking about the grill! Ug, any future surprise parties are going to be impossible.... But I managed to get his gift wrapped and hidden. He loved the shirts, computer tool kit, and other trinkets he got from me and the family.  It totally didn't help that at the end of the night, he hd been able to see friends that he had not been able to hang out with for years (and maybe one or two of them paid for a few shots).  He was a very happy guy!

Did you do anything worthwhile over the past few weeks?

Yes! I think. Beside what I've already mentioned, I have been brainstorming for the next book in Lost Gun. Hit a wall a few months back and haven’t been able to break through. Instead, I would work on other projects and try to gather inspiration from those, but alas, all has failed. It was depressing. Not even my favorite cup of tea helped. When problem child popped up, frustration built, tension grew, and I hit my head against the door frame, literally. It sucked, a lot. Then a tiny little spark flickered in the back of my head. Grasping on it, I have been vigilantly nurturing it, praying that it will grow into an idea that will allow me to charge through this story. The biggest problem is simple, I have a idea of how I want the story to end, a vague idea of how to get there, and an even vaguer idea of what needs to happen. I'm pretty sure I may be introducing more of a family which could throw a wrench into my plans or be the frame to something magnificent! I guess I'll figure that out when I hit the keyboard again.

Aren’t you technically hitting the keyboard now?

Oh hush. You know what I mean. I have a couple more things to do before I’m able to sit and write for a day.

Excuses. Excuses. Shame on you.

Ug, I know! Procrastination! It's evil! Other than that, the only other thing that's been preventing my creativity is hell. She's back and already on my nerves. Which is a good thing for my writing. I tend to stay up later when she's here and to kill time, I write. Which is exactly what I did last night. So, I'm kinda being productive. Guess I need to start blasting my "Writer's Block" playlist, huh?   Here's one of my favorite songs in that list: Machine by MisterWives